Looking for a reason

Over email

Friend: You are not going back to UK? Then why don't you come back for good?
Me: I have a job in Singapore.

Face to face

Same friend: So you have a six months' contract. After that why don't you come back for good?
Me: What can I do here?
Friend: So many things.
Me: Like?
Friend: Professional sweep.
Me: Very funny.
Friend: Ya, with your master's degree...Anything.
Me: Right. I could do a lot of things. But I have no reason to be here.
Friend: Ok don't come back then.

It isn't that I will never come back to Malaysia. I am not averse to it. Really.

I guess I can say that now after having been away 1.5 years and a lot of what frustrated me have lost their effects.

Me: You just live here longer and perhaps you will see the frustrations (Friend has only been back in Malaysia for 1.5 years after being away for 18)
Friend: I don't see it that way. I like it here. I could never like Singapore. There is nothing there.
Me: It depends. It really depends.
Me in my heart: You've been away from Singapore so long and a lot of things have changed.

I supposed he has been "bitten" in Singapore and I have in Malaysia. He is as adamant about how horrible Singapore is as I am about Malaysia. Except I have less hatred. And I am not averse about coming back. I just need a good reason.

Some suggest family but my family is actually glad I am in Singapore (especially after the Hishamuddin-Keris episode).

Sure, I miss DUMC and my CG there. But I also have a great church in Singapore and a wonderful CG, too, and both had really helped my faith grow by leaps and bounds in the one year I was there. I am not saying it won't happen in DUMC, please don't get me wrong. I love both. And sometimes I find myself torn.

Torn. Displaced. Alone.

I've been thinking how I missed certain friendships.

I remember Wai Sang, a very, very, very close friend who shared my growing years (Form 2- University) and I miss that friendship.

I remember walking to school and back with Gin, and whispering in conversation (we sat right behind the class) while our history teacher asked people to read from the text book and I miss that friendship.

I remember walking to and back from tuition with Paul, Vincent, Seema and Sheryl and how we had such funny conversations in the night.

It's so hard to find a best friend when we get older.

I guess I say I may come back because I believe some friendships/ relationships have to be kept. Some people I would like to grow old with. And there are more in Malaysia at the moment. But time and distance do take their toll on relationships. Sometimes I feel that toll in my heart.

To come back in the very near future?

You know, it is not a matter of logic. That would be a no brainer. Singapore beats Malaysia flat. It is always a matter of the heart. And that balance can be tipped with just one compelling reason. I am still looking for it.