Strange encounter with the doctor

I didn’t go to the clinic I usually go to because only one doctor was on duty with a bazillion sick people in queue. So I called up another panel clinic. Two doctors with three patients. Wonderful.
In five minutes after I registered myself, I was in the clinic of Dr Julian P’ng. He is an elderly doctor, grey haired, bespectacled, and skinny. Kindly looking.

Doc: What’s the problem?

Me: I’ve been sneezing a lot, and coughing. So if you could give me something to dry up the sinuses and to stop the cough it would be great.

Doc: Ok. Say Aahhh

Me: Aah….

Doc: Throat does not hurt?

Me: Not yet. (He laughed and took my temperature)

Doc: You have a fever! And you are still smiling? (Which made me smile, of course)
When did this start?

Me: Two days ago.

Doc: Two days? You are really strong. (I am not, I just didn't want to take too many MCs in a year because of some office policy which I may or may not expound on at a later date).

Me: If you could give me half a day’s MC it would be great.

Doc: Half? Full day, young lady. You need to go home now. (It was 11am already).

Me: Ok. (But I knew by the time I get some things done which needs to be done it would not be before midday). Is that all?

Doc: Yes but I am not done. Do you have one minute to listen to me?

Me: Yes (expecting him to tell me about taking care of my health).

Doc: If you look into the future, to say when you are 50; what you want to be then, you must start working towards that now. (By now I am beginning to see he is not talking about health).

Doc: You need to transpose the future to your present and work towards that. Do you understand what I mean or is that too deep?

Me: I understand exactly.

Doc: Good, then let me continue. If there are things you have been procrastinating, do not any more. Do it now.

Me: Why are you saying this to me?

Doc: Because you are young, intelligent, analytical and you have a lot of ideals. And you must not let go of them.

(I am opening my eyes wide and blinking quickly. Those of you who are familiar with tears would know it is a trick to stop them from forming)

Doc: I know you are really nice person. But to achieve what you need to achieve you must be a bit ruthless.

I gave him a questioning look. The verse that came to mind: Be as shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves (Mt 10:16b).

Doc: I know it is not in your character at all. I can see that. But to achieve your dreams, you must. And it is not just for you, but for people around you as well. Do not wait or procrastinate anymore.

Me: Do you tell all your patients this?

Doc: No. I feel like I need to tell you. You are also a person of very few words. That is one of your strengths. So when you do say it, people will listen. But sometimes you need to say things.

Doc: If you care, it is not understood. You must articulate it. If there is someone you care for and want to be with, say it.

I don’t say a lot of thing verbally (except to one or two persons). My verbal diarrhea is reserved for the written word. However, when I was very young, I was really talkative. My report card would say: Cakap terlalu banyak (Malay for talks to much).

Somewhere in my 20s I lost ideals and speech.
I learnt that sometimes I don’t need to say things because they don’t get heard anyways.
Sometimes I don’t say things because I know it doesn’t make any difference.
Sometimes I don’t say things because it would end up hurting the hearer, and I don’t want that.
Sometimes I don’t say things because the words and thoughts are so dear.
And so the written word became the means to keep me going, to keep in touch, and to entertain- not to connect.

Doc: If there are people who matter to you, do things now that would keep those relationships. Some relationships must be kept.

Me: Did you get inspiration from God to say this to me?

Doc: I can’t say that I did but I just felt I needed to tell you. You know, you deserve to be happy too.

Me: Ok. Thank you, doctor.

Doc: Thank you.

When I sat down to wait for my medication, I had to pull out a tissue. The nurses wondered what happened. Perhaps they wondered if the doctor told me I have a fatal disease. (Well, nothing wrong with that. Age is a fatal disease and we all have it).

As I was walking back to the office, a young man came to ask me to do a survey. If you work around Raffles Place and walk past the greens, this happens to you everyday. Usually I would just say no thanks, ignore and walk away. Today, because the doctor has been so kindly and gentle with me, I passed it on. I looked at the young chap, smiled at him and told him no thank you because I have done this before (you have to be a sucker at least once). He said, in that case, thank you.

Two nights ago, I woke up from my sleep at about 3am. The Holy Spirit was prompting me to pray in tongues and I did. I have no idea why even though this has happened before. Aunty Bea also told me that the Holy Spirit always prompts her to pray between 2am and 3am.

In the morning I thanked God for using me to pray even in this state of heart and mind. I did not know where my prayers went and what purpose it achieved. Even if it is a blanket for someone in the cold I am grateful God still thought of using me.

In my quiet time last night, I asked God to speak to me. Call me by name and tell me. I said I wanted to be obedient and you said you will speak to me if I am obedient. So let me hear you because I am lost. I don’t know where I am going and what I am doing. (I remember the vision Pastor Janice gave me: that I am standing at the open door and instead of me going through it, God has come to be with me).

There is a Jewish saying: God is closest to those with broken hearts. And I asked God if he is so close to me now. Speak to me, I want to hear you.

I don’t even know if Dr Julian P’ng is a Christian. It doesn’t matter. God spoke through a burning bush, even.

I don’t know what to do and where to go. I don't even know what to hope for anymore. I only know I am not meant to go back to Malaysia and I am not meant to stay in my current job. That much I know is true. And I know I want to go where the grace of God flows.

“If your presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here,” Moses said to God. (Ex 33:15)