The thing about premonitions

Help me.

Client A must think I am out of my mind. Client A replied to say Friday is OK. I sent email with all documents for Friday's meeting and said "for tomorrow's meeting" as the subject. Tomorrow is Thursday. The same colleague pointed it out to me. I then sent another email to say "sorry, I meant FRIDAY".

Strange things are happening.

I had a bad dream last night. I dreamt a little girl was wandering around a building. People were looking for her. She was separated from her mom and she was very sad. In my dream I knew she wanted to kill herself. She was about five or six. I woke in mid-sleep state. Went back to sleep and the dream continued. She reached the top of a building, something like a HDB. She went out from the balcony and rested herself at the clotheslines and then let herself fall. Everybody was just watching. Her mom was at the bottom trying to catch her but did not.

I woke up very disturbed and realise it was 8:45. I did not set my alarm.

And I had scheduled a 10:00 meeting in my office. Rushed in and forgot to bring my laptop from home.

Jermyn came exactly at 10:00. I had not have breakfast so we went to the Hainanese Station. I told Jermyn about my dream. The is the second meeting I have with this guy, a partner to my firm. He didn't seem to think I am weird or spooky. Or he was being very kind.
He said it can be scary if dreams come true. I said mine do.

He said so do his dreams. But if I can remember this dream so clearly, then it is not the sort that will come true.

And I said that is true.

We both have premonitions. He used that same word as I do: premonitions. Not dreams.

Jermyn says if he gets the manifestations of his premonitions, then he interprets it as his life is going as it should. If he doesn't get manifestations for a long time, he believes it he has veered from where he should be/ what he should be doing.

I never thought about it that way.

Jermyn's theory has some truth to it. I told him about my footsteps and the pavement. That manifestation happened the first week I was in US, in August 1995. Up to the moment I took the flight, I wasn't sure I would actually be going. But I knew the premonition came way back. Maybe a year or two before, or more. I had a manifestation in London as well. But I could not remember that one.

Up to the point when I was in US, I used to feel weird when my premonitions manifest. By the time I went to London, my reactions were different. In the later years, whenever my premonitions come true, I try to go the other way. For example, in a conversation, I would have said something and someone would reply to me. But when I realise the premonition coming true, I would purposefully not say anything. So whatever was supposed to be, was stopped short.

Why do I rebel? I don't even know why. Why do I think it will always turn bad if I let it be? Why do I want to wrest "control" by turning it around even though I never know the ending?

Is that why I stopped having premonitions? Because I never let it unfold as it should?

I am feeling rather out of sorts to be honest. Could be because I am taking mom to take her biopsy report tomorrow.

I don't want any dreams tonight.